That fever was on
me again, that hungerIt was as sudden and
violent as my fits of rageIf the smoke detectors
had gone off downstairs, announcing the house was
on fire, I would have paid no attentionI
stripped the cellophane from a brand-new brush,
dipped black, and began to paint
As with the picture I'd called The End of the Game,
I don't remember much about the actual creation of
Friends with BenefitsAll I know is it happened
in a violent explosion, and sunsets had nothing to
do with itIt was mostly black and blue, the
color of bruises, and when it was done, my left
arm ached from the exerciseMy hand was
splattered with paint all the way to the wrist
The finished canvas reminded me a little of those
noir paperback covers I used to see back when I
was a kid, the ones that always featured some
roundheels dame headed for uhr rolex hellOnly on the
paperback covers, the dame was usually blond and
twenty-twoishIn my picture, she had dark hair
206
and looked on the plus side of fortyThis dame
was my ex-wife
She was sitting on a rumpled bed, wearing nothing
but a pair of blue pantiesThe strap of a
matching bra trailed across one legHer head was
slightly bent, but there was no mistaking her
features; I had caught her BRILLIANTLY in just a
few harsh strokes of black that were almost like
Chinese ideogramsOn the slope of one breast was
the picture's only real spot of brightness: a rose
tattooI wondered when she'd gotten it, and why
Pam wearing ink seemed as unlikely to me as Pam
racing a dirt-bike at Mission Hill, but I had no
doubt whatever that it was true; it was just a
fact, like Carson Jones's Torii Hunter tee-shirt
There were also two men in the picture, dior china both naked
One stood at the window, half-turnedHe had a
perfectly typical body for a white middle-class
man of fifty or so, one I imagined you could see
in any Gold's Gym changing room: poochy stomach,
flat little no-cheeks ass, moderate man-titsHis
face was intelligent and well-bredOn that face
now was a melancholy she's-almost-gone lookA
nothing-will-change-it lookThis was Max from
207
Palm DesertHe might as well have been wearing a
sign around his neckMax who had lost his father
last year, Max who had started by offering Pam
coffee and had ended up offering her moreShe'd
taken him up on the coffee and the more, but not
all the more he would have givenYou couldn't see all of it, but what you
could see was a lot more naked than his ass
The other man leaned in the doorway with his
ankles crossed, a position that pressed his omega speedmaster replica thighs
together and pushed his considerable package
forwardHe was maybe ten years older than the man
at the window, in better shapeLong muscles in the thighsHis arms
were folded below his chest and he was looking at
Pam with a little smile on his faceI knew that
smile well, because Tom Riley had been my
accountant - and my friend - for thirty-five years
If it had not been custom in our family to ask
your father to be your best man, I would have
asked Tom
I looked at him standing naked in the doorway,
looking at my wife on the bed, and remembered him
helping me move my stuff out to Lake Phalen
208
Remembered him saying You don't give up the house,
that's like giving up home field advantage in a
playoff game
Then catching him with tears in his eyesBoss, I
can't get used to seeing you this way
Had he been fucking her then? I vintage gucci bags thought notBut -
I'm going to give you an offer to take back to her,
I'd saidOnly maybe he'd done more
than make my offer
I limped to the big window, not using my crutch
Sunset was still hours off, but the light was
westering strongly, beating a reflection off the
waterI made myself look directly into that
glaring track, wiping my eyes repeatedly
I tried to tell myself the picture might be no
more than a figment of a mind that was still
trying to heal itselfAll my
voices were speaking clearly and coherently to one
another, and I knew what I knewPam had fucked
Max out there in Palm Desert, and when he had
suggested a longer, deeper commitment, she had
refusedPam had also fucked my oldest friend and
business associate, and might still be fucking him
209
The only unanswered question was which guy had
talked her into the rose on her necklace pearl chanel t

"Goddammit, you men, Ah been watchin' ya, why in the hell cain't you treat a wounded man proper, jus' shakin' me up an' knockin' all the pus around inside, Stanley, you been doin' it jus' to give me the misery, Ah think it's a pretty low mean old thing jus' treatin' a buddy like this His voice would become thin, querulousEvery now and then he would scream from a sudden bump From pain, from the heat, he would blubber like a child"Ah wouldn' do to you like you been doin' to me He would lie back, his mouth open, his breath stirring in the arid cave of his throat like steam vibrating out of the spout of a kettle"Aw, men, take it easy, sonofabitch, men, take it easy
"We're doin' what we can," Brown would croak
"You men are actin' pretty piss-poorWilson ain't gonna forget
And they would labor for another hundred yards, set him down, and gaze stupidly at each other
Wilson's wound was throbbing women's santos 100 replica painfullyThe muscles in his stomach were sore and exhausted from fighting against the pain, and a dry fever had settled in his bodyUnder the sun all his limbs had become leaden and aching, his chest and throat congested, completely dryEach jolt of the stretcher shocked him like a blowHe felt the exhaustion of having fought against a man much bigger, much stronger than himself for many hoursHe teetered often on the edge of unconsciousness, but always he would be jarred back into his pain by a sudden wrench of the litterIt brought him close to weepingFor minutes at a time he would lie stiff on the stretcher waiting for the next jolt, his teeth clenched in preparationAnd when it came, the blow would travel through all the slumbering agonies of his wound, rasping his inflamed nervesThe pain would seem motivated by the litter-bearers and he hated them with the same rage that a man feels for a moment at a piece of women rolex watches furniture when he has barked his leg against it"You sonofabitch, Brown Brown shambled forward, almost reeling, his fingers slowly separating on the litter handleWhen he would feel the stretcher about to rip out of his hand, he would shout, "Drop him," and kneel beside Wilson trying to regain his breath, massaging one hand with the numb fingers of the other"Take it easy, Wilson, we're doin' what we can," he would gasp
"You sonofabitch, Brown, you been shakin' me on purpose
Brown wanted to cry or to strike him across the faceThe jungle sores on his feet had come open and were bleeding inside his shoes, smarting unbearably whenever he halted and became conscious of themHe did not want to go on, but he could see the other litter-bearers staring at him"Come on, men," he muttered
They advanced like this for several hours, toiling under the brow of the midday sunSlowly, inevitably, their will and their tiffany silver jewelry resolution were dissolvedThey struggled forward through a glare of heat, bound to each other in an unwilling union of exhaustion and rageEach time one of them stumbled the others hated him, for the load was suddenly increased on their arms, and Wilson's growls of pain bored through their apathy, startled them like a whiplashThey plumbed one level of misery after anotherFor minutes at a time their vision would blank out almost completely in a flood of nauseaThe ground before them would darken, and they would taste their heartbeat in the acrid bile that filled their mouthsThey toiled forward numbly, unquestioningly, suffering more than WilsonAny one of them would have been pleased to have shifted positions with him
At one o'clock Brown halted themHis feet had been numb for minutes at a time, and he was close to collapseThey left Wilson lying in the sun while they sprawled beside him, their faces close to the gucci paolo watches earth, drawing great gasping bursts of airAll about them the hills shimmered in the early afternoon heat, refracting their glare from one slope to another without reliefThere seemed no breeze at allWilson would mumble and rant from time to time but they paid no attention to himThe rest period gave them no relief; all the submerged effects of their exhaustion were being exhumed now, bothered them directlyThey retched, languished through long flaccid minutes when they seemed close to unconsciousness, and suffered from recurring spasms of shivering when there seemed no heat left in their bodies
After a long while, perhaps an hour, Brown sat up, swallowed a few salt tablets and drank almost half his canteen of waterThe salt rumbled uncomfortably in his stomach, but he felt some reliefWhen he stood up to walk over to Wilson, his legs moved without familiarity, weakly, like a man who is out of bed after a long vintage chanel jewelry illne

It felt as if someone were binding his ankles, and he wrenched himself into wakefulness, the sweat pocking his face
"Leggo of them, leggo of them, y' goddam sonofabitch, lea' my legs alone
He swore very loudly, and the men started from their reveriesBrown leaned over him, daubing the moistened end of his handkerchief over Wilson's lips"Take it easy, Wilson," he said softly"You got to keep quiet, boy, or you'll be stirrin' up the Japs
"Leggo, goddammit!" Wilson bawledThe shout exhausted him and he fell back on the stretcherDimly he felt himself bleeding again, and he drifted along the impressions it aroused, uncertain if he was swimming or if he had wet his pants"Went and pissed in them," he mumbled, waiting for the omega automatic geneve hand to slap him"Woodrow Wilson, you're a little ol' slob," some woman's voice was sayingHe giggled, shying away from the blow"Aw, Mommy, didn't mean to He yelled the words, pleading, twitching on the stretcher as if avoiding a cuff
"Wilson, you got to keep quiet Brown massaged his temples"Just relax, boy, we're gonna take care of ya Wilson dribbled a little blood out of his mouth and lay motionless, feeling it dry on his chinListen, boy, you got to keep quiet on account of the Japs But the words corroded his stupor, and left him afraidHe was sinking again in the tall grass of the field, waiting for the Japanese to find him, and he began to blubber softly without realizing it, as if his weeping came from an excreta of knock off chanel his nervesOnly he could feel the blood pulsing out of his belly, trickling, searching for new stream beds along the muscular ravines of his groin to end at last in a pool between his thighsHe knew it; as if he had sight in his belly he formed an image of roiled and twisted flesh, curling about itself, writhingIt kept squeezing the blood out
"Looks like a pussy," he heard himself murmuring, only the words sounded with a roar
"Wilson, you got to shut up
The fear lapsed, became a vague disquiet, lulled by Brown's handThis time, Wilson really whispered"One damn thing Ah cain't figger outTwo in bed and wake up three, two in bed an' wake up three He repeated it like a jingle"What t'hell's one got to do with t'other; you sac hermes kelly jus' do your screwin' an' it comes out a kid He wrinkled his face, partially from pain, and then relaxed again, sinking into the sensual fetid memories of a woman over himThen the image blurred, and his vision faded into a series of concentric circles boring into his head with the delirium of etherWhen they done op-per-rated on ya, an' ya got a hole in ya, y' cain't go to sleepPappy went to sleep an' he woke up deadHis mind swirled, plumbing back into his core, considering himself objectively as a man who was going to dieHe fought against it, terrified, not really believing it, like a man who looks in a mirror and speaks, and cannot believe that the face he has seen really belongs to himselfHe careened from one unexplored chanel purse white cavern into another, believing at last that he had heard his daughter saying, "Pappy went to sleep an' he woke up dead
"No!" Wilson shouted"Where'd you git that idea, May?"
"That's a cute girl you got," Brown said"That her name, May?"
Wilson heard him, made the long journey back"Who's that?"
"BrownWhat's May look like?"
"She's a goddam little hellion," Wilson said"Smartest little bugger you'd ever want to see Remotely, he felt his face twisting into a smile"Ah tell ya, she can jus' twist me 'round, an' she knows itShe's one hell of a little girl
The pain in his belly became acute again, and he lay there panting, absorbed only in the racking demands of his body like a woman in childbirth"Ohhhh," he groaned silver handbags thic

Listen, Pop, I know I've been an awful disappointment to you, and it's a damn shame after all your sacrifices, but I just don't think I'm cut out for that kind of workI ain't gonna make any apologies about my intelligence 'cause I still think it's as good as anyone's my age, but I'm the kind of a fellow who needs something he can get his teeth into betterI believe I'm cut out for selling or something like thatI like to be around people
(The long sigh) Maybe, maybeNo use cryin' over spilt milk is what I sayI'll talk to some of my friends
He gets a job with a farm-machinery company, is making fifty dollars a week before his first year is j12 chanel diamond watch outHe introduces Beverly to his folks, takes her to see Patty, who is now married
Do you think she liked me? Beverly asks
They're married in the summer, and settle down in a six-room houseHe's up to seventy-five dollars, but they're always a little in debt; liquor runs to twenty or twenty-five dollars a week counting what it costs them to go out
Still, they don't have a bad timeThe wedding night is a shambles but he recovers quickly, and after a decent interval their lovemaking is rich and variousThey have a secret catalogue:
Lovemaking on the stairs
Beverly's profanity in heat
Experimenting with costumes
-------------------(He big chanel will not give it a name because he has heard it in places he would not mention to herShe will not because she's not supposed to know it
And of course there are the other things that seem to have no relationEating meals together until it gets boring
Hearing each other tell the same stories to different people
His habit of picking his nose
Her habit of adjusting her stockings on the street
The sound he makes when he spits into a handkerchief
The way she gets sullen after an evening of doing nothing
There are mild pleasures too: Discussing the people they meet
Relating the gossip about their friends(Merely because they are good women's rolex watch dancers
Telling her his business worries
There are neutral things: Riding in their automobile
Her bridge and mah-jongg club
His clubs: The Rotary, the High School Alumni Association, the Junior Chamber of Commerce
At times when he is restless he has a bad habit of spending an evening with his bachelor friends
Bachelor Folklore: The only thing I got against marriage is people are just too disinteresting to be forced to spend their lives together
Brown: You don't know what you're sayin'Wait'll it's there for you, nice and steady, an' not worryin' about gettin' caughtThe thing to do with women is to try it
Folklore (dirty jokes): Sacrebleu, tiffany heart tag necklace the ninety-eighth way

The middle of the night: Now, go 'way, leave me alone, Willie, I thought we agreed to lay off for a couple of daysYou said we were getting too used to it(Exasperation and submission You're just an old hound dog, that's all you areAlways wanting to put it in something(The alloy of tenderness and irritation, unique to marriage

There are external shocksHis sister, Patty, gets a divorce, and he hears talk, merely the faintest suggestions, but he is worriedHe asks her, subtly he thinks, but she flares at him
What do you mean, Willie, Brad coulda had the divorce instead of me?
I don't mean anything, I'm just asking rolex watches ladies yo

"You know what scares me, Japbait? I'll tell ya, my nerves are goneSometimes I'm afraid I'll just go to pieces and I won't be able to do a goddam thingYou know what I mean?" Brown had worried about this many timesHe gained some satisfaction in admitting it, excusing himself ahead of time so that the onus would be less if his failure was realizedHe scaled a stone into the river, watching the ripples
Martinez had a quiet contempt for BrownIt pleased him that Brown was frightenedJapbait frightened, okay, he told himself, but Japbait
"The worst of it," Brown said, "is not if you get knocked off, hell, then you don't know anythingBut what if one of the guys in your squad stops a bullet and it's your faultJesus, you never get it out of your head replicas de bolsas thenI'll tell ya, remember that patrol back on Motome when MacPherson got knocked off? I couldn'ta done a thing about it, but how the hell do ya think I felt leavin' him like that, takin' off and leavin' him behind?" Brown flipped his cigarette away nervously"It ain't all it's cracked up to be, being a sergeantWhen I first got in the Army I wanted to get ahead, but sometimes I get to wonderingWhat the hell does it get ya?" He mused on this and then sighed"I don't know, I suppose human nature bein' what it is I wouldn'ta been satisfied just being a privateIt means something to make sergeant This statement always gave him pleasure"It shows you got something a little specialI'll tell ya, I feel my responsibilitiesI ain't goin' to back downNo matter what the hell tiffany jewelry wholesale I get into, I know damn well I'm gonna keep trying because that's what I'm being paid for He felt a little sentimental"It shows they got trust in you if you make sergeant, and I'm not going to let anybody down, I'm not that kind of guyI think there'd be nothing lower
"Gotta stick," Martinez agreedWhat the hell kind of guy would I be to take all the government's money, and then goof-off ? Naw, I mean it, Japbait, we come from a pretty good part of the country, and I'd hate like hell to go back and show my face to the neighbors if I wasn't proud of myselfPersonally since I'm from Kansas I like it better than Texas but just the same we come from two of the best goddam states in the countryYou never need to be ashamed, Martinez, when you tell somebody spy bag fendi you're a Texan Martinez was warmed by the nameHe liked to think of himself as a Texan, but he had never dared to use the titleSomewhere, deep in his mind, a fear had clotted; there was the memory of all the tall white men with the slow voices and the cold eyesHe was afraid of the look they might assume if he were to say, Martinez is a TexanNow his pleasure was chilled, and he felt uneasyI'm better noncom than Brown, he assured himself, but he was still uncomfortableBrown had a kind of assurance which Martinez had never known; something in him always withered when he talked to such menMartinez had the suppressed malice, the contempt, and the anxiety of a servant who knows he is superior to his master
"Good part of the country," he agreedHe was moody and lady dior had no desire to talk to Brown any longerAfter a minute or two, he mumbled something and went over to Croft
Brown turned around and looked about himPolack had been sprawled a few feet away from them during the conversationHis eyes were closed now, and Brown gave him a little nudge"You sleeping, Polack?"
"Uh?" Polack sat up and yawned"Yeah, I t'ink I dropped off Actually he had been wide awake, had been listening to themHe always obtained a subtle gratification from eavesdropping; while he seldom expected to receive any immediate profit, Polack usually found it amusing"That's the only way to get a line on a guy," he had said once to Minetta"Naw, I been gettin' some shut-eyeWhat, are we hittin' the trail again?"
"Coupla minutes, I guess," Brown borse louis vuitton said